The Primate and I Have Reached an Understanding

By Tanya

This is a letter to me, from Todd (my significant other 🙂 about our baby Kala.
Kala is Java Macaque, and Daddy had to babysit all by himself while I was out of town for a family emergency. He did a great job, and made me feel better in the process! So I thought I would share the letter that made me laugh. 🙂

I thought you should know that while baby-sitting your primate we (the non human primate and myself) have come to reach the following agreement. Just to make it official the Non human primate (NHP Henceforth) have deemed it necessary that primates everywhere be notified and that this agreement shall henceforth be considered the primate bill of rights.

Article one:

The rights of possession:

It all belongs to the NHP’s. The HP (Human Primate henceforth) fought viciously for more rights on this subject, but ultimately lost the battle to stalwart legal positioning, stubbornness, and downright cuteness.

Article two:

Diapers (stinky or otherwise)

NHP’s will have the right to pitch a screaming proverbial female breeding canine when diaper changing is necessary. Such rights are not limited to vocalization. The primate shall be allowed at least 15 minutes of running with wild abandon under all available cover to avoid the indignity of rediapering.

Subsection A: The NHP shall have the right to “restinky” the diaper at will from the time of changing.

Subsection B: The HP caregiver shall be required to vocalize liberally during the diapering process. Such vocalizations shall primarily consist of 4 letter words, but shall not be limited in complexity or combination thereof.

Article 3:


HPs will be available at all hours day and night for the feeding of the NHP. The NHP reserves the right to refuse all feedings on the basis of (a) food too hot, (b) food too cold, (c) changed my mind and I don’t really want it after all.

Article 4:

Other family pets

See Article 1 ( they are there for the NHP and the NHP only). The NHP reserves all rights to abuse, ignore, annoy, or bother the family pets. The HP loses all rights to enjoy the company of the family pet as this would cut into the time meant for the NHP.

Article 5:

Human heads

The HP loses all rights inferred or implied regarding the human head. During play time the HP head shall henceforth be referred to as “a really good place to stand”

Article 6:

The amusement principle

As NHPs are inherently more amusing than HPs the NHP shall achieve a deity status among all passers by and visitors to the HP’s household. The NHP shall have the rights and privileges of said deity status. These rights shall be summed up by the following phrase: “Awwwwww, its so cute… how could you possibly scold it for….” naturally the ellipses may be replaced by phrases ranging from hiding the car keys to burning down a neighboring apartment building)

All primate owners should immediately sign and notarize this agreement, spend at least 200.00 having it custom framed, then post it in a conspicuous place for all passers by, be they NHPs or lowly HPs allowed in the presence of the NHP by its deity like graciousness.

Todd Owen Williams, Monkey servant for a few more days.

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