By Betty Cahall

My mom and Paul went to Pennsylvania yesterday with their friends, Donna and Ray and their monkey Nikki. They still weren’t back when I got home from work. I parked my car and got out and saw a brown furry thing hanging on the antenna of Donna and Ray’s car. A fat, brown, furry thing. It was Andy. I’m thinking “Oh no, they’re out.”

Then I see Molly sitting in a tree. My cousin Greg had just stopped by before I got home and him and his friend, Bob pulled up and saw that they were out and got out to try to get them and Greg set his coffee down on the car to go and get Andy and in the meantime, Molly took off with his coffee. So Greg and Bob go to unlock the door and the monkey’s had hit the safety on the sliding glass door lock and nobody can get in. So, Greg tries to round up the monkeys and Bob crawls through the doggy door to unlock it. They see the house is trashed and Bob tries to help Greg start cleaning up and Molly chases him out of the house by jumping on him and scratching him in the nose and stealing his glasses. So Greg just tells Bob he’s better off getting the hell out of there. Then when I got home and saw the monkeys out, Molly thought i was there to help her, so she wants to now beat Greg up. Andy is running across the ground happy that I’m home. I go in the house and want to turn right around and go back to work. It looked like a tornado hit the place. Everything was out of the kitchen cabinets and thrown all over the kitchen floor. They opened up a big bottle of vinegar and mixed that with a big container of cocoa powder all over my mom’s white throw rugs. They got a hammer out of the bottom drawer and smashed things with that. all paul’s lock books were torn and ripped all over the place. shampoo and conditioner and all kinds of stuff ripped out of the bathroom closet. They squeezed gel all over the carpet. They ripped out Beaky’s feathers, the poor bird has two tail feathers left. There were feathers all over the kitchen floor and in the living room. I found the salt and pepper shakers out in the side yard. My mom’s plants were ripped right out of their pots. They threw all kinds of things out the livingroom window. They ripped open like 6 packages of Ramen noodles and 5 boxes of jello mix. They ruined an entire pan of brownies. They took tea and coffee grounds and poured it into the coffee pot and mixed water in it. They ripped up sandwich baggies and aluminum foil and saran wrap. They popped the tops off a whole case of diet coke and bit holes in the cans and poured them all over the place. They had baking powder mashed with something and had that caked on all kinds of things. They had a package of beignet mix poured all over the living room carpet. Oh and olive oil. they did lovely things to the velour-type kitchen chairs with the olive oil. what else? my phone, they destoyed my telephone. tore out the battery and chewed holes in it and pulled all the wires out. they ripped the tape out of about 6 VCR tapes and ripped all the tape out of a tape cassette that my mom’s friend lent her. Oh my god, they shit on Cliff’s ashes. I forgot about that. and they had tried to lift the lid off that but it was sealed. something must have interrupted them with that one cause they never did open it, but the one corner was bent up like they were trying to open it. they destroyed all my make-up and ate my deodorant. at one point, andy was sitting there eating a tube of lipstick, washing it down with a bottle of eye drops. i took those away from him and he started drinking a bottle of Johnson’s Baby Magic Shampoo. the house was destroyed.

Such lovely little monkeys…

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